Family, as a concept, has become drastically more inclusive over the years. With roughly 16 percent of children in the U.S. living in a blended family, there are tons of kids navigating new lives with stepsiblings or half siblings, or both. There's less of a social pressure to create the standard 'nuclear' family in our society today, which has led to the beautiful array of family units you can see all over the world.
Given these changes, there can be a learning curve to the new definitions and dynamics of modern family roles. Learn more about how stepsiblings and half siblings are understood today, and how you can integrate these blended siblings into each's other lives.
Types of Sibling Relationships
Many American children live in blended families with a stepsibling or half sibling. The family makeup's so common that a staggering 1,300 blended families are created every day. While most people are familiar with biological siblings, where kids share the same biological mother and father, they don't account for every type of sibling out there. So, what are the different kinds of sibling relationships?
What Are Stepsiblings?
Stepsiblings have no blood relation but are related through their parent's marriage. For example, Jane, who's Alexis's mom, married Joe, who's Brandon's father. This makes Alexis and Brandon stepbrother and stepsister.
The key takeaway is that stepsiblings don't share a biological relationship, so they're not blood-related. This biological relation really only becomes a concern in terms of medical history, as a stepsibling or stepparents' diagnoses, like cancer or diabetes, won't put their non-biological family at a greater risk. Whereas, biological siblings' and parents' conditions can indicate a greater risk for you in certain cases.
What Are Half Siblings?
Half siblings are related by blood through sharing one biological parent. For example, Alexis and Brandon are stepsiblings, and their parents' Jane and Joe have a baby together, who they name Sarah. Sarah is both Alexis and Brandon's half sister. Sarah is Alexis's half sister through a shared biological mother and Brandon's half sister through a shared biological father.
What Are Full Siblings?
Full siblings are what most people automatically think of when you say you have a sibling. Basically, it just means you share the same biological parents as your other siblings. For example, Jane and Joe have a second child together, who they name Todd. Like Sarah, Todd is Alexis and Brandon's half sibling.
However, Sarah and Todd are full siblings since they share both the same biological mother and father. And, since it's biological relation, you don't stop being full siblings if your parents get divorced and re-marry.
What Are Adopted Siblings?
Adopted siblings don't share any biological parents but are legally related. Continuing the same family example, if Jane and Joe adopt a child named Jen together, Jen would be Alexis, Brandon, Sarah, and Todd's adopted sister. While they all legally share at least one parent, Jen doesn't share any biological parents with her siblings.
Sibling Relationships in Blended Families
Living in a blended family with a stepparent, stepsibling, or half sibling comes with some differences than living in a historically traditional family does. There are some potential bumps in the road that can come from changing the family unit. But there are awesome things that come from living and getting to love new people.
Challenges of Stepsibling and Half Sibling Relationships
Potential hang ups for kids who are stepsiblings or half siblings living in a blended family can include social, emotional, and physical challenges. Not all stepsiblings experience trials and tribulations, and each child's experiences largely depend on the unique makeup of the family, their own background, and the personalities of everyone that's coming together.
Age Difference Challenges
A large age difference between stepchildren and half siblings is one potential challenge that blended families must sometimes navigate. Without a shared family culture (stemming from not being raised by the stepparents), it can be hard to connect. This bond of shared experiences can make bridging the age gap easier, but when it's not there, some kids find it hard to make a relationship with someone that much older or younger than them.
Half Sibling Bonding Concerns
Sibling bonding can be really difficult when half siblings live with different parents, and so don't share the same visitation routine. Children may have a hard time developing the same closeness that they have with their new family members because of the unique living situation they find themselves in.
Stepsibling Bonding Concerns
When it comes to stepsiblings, you can't ignore that congregating a bunch of underaged strangers into the same roof might pose a problem. Often, stepsiblings enter into a relationship with one another before emotional bonds have been fully formed, unlike the way that the parents have been able to spend time building a relationship with each other. Of course, this isn't always the case, but it does happen.
Grieving Your Previous Family Structure
Many half siblings experience feelings of new loss when they enter a blended family unit. When parents separate or divorce, children may mourn the family structure they knew. Similarly, when a new half sibling is born, children may re-experience loss as they deal with sharing a parent with another child, and mourn the setup they were used to.
If kids are experiencing these emotions, it's key to recognize them, validate their feelings, and help them feel loved, important, and included.
Feelings Less Jealous of Your Siblings
Jealousy is something that can run rampant through a household, biologically related or not. For instance, a stepsibling that moves into the home where a child already lives with their bio parent can drum up feelings of jealousy and resentment over sharing space, sharing their parents' attention, etc. These feelings of jealousy can only be made more complicated when the stepsiblings don't share the same house aka they live with the "other" bio parent.
Feeling Like You Don't Have a Home
Because of the potential uprooting and changes in the family structure they knew (and one they're never getting back) some half and stepchildren feel like they can't really call any place home. While many children of separated parents gather a sense that they don't truly have one home, children who have siblings at both parents' homes may feel this more profoundly.
Sibling Order Changes
Loss of "place" in the family can be a challenge for all siblings when the addition of new children mixes up the existing birth order. The oldest child can suddenly find she's not the oldest anymore, and the baby can become a middle child. This loss of "place" in the family can be confusing and cause resentment toward the incoming child because birth order can be a huge piece of someone's identity. These changes might cause different emotions and issues.
Things That Make Having Stepsiblings and Half Siblings Great
For all of the bumpy road stuff in the first few months of getting used to the new dynamics, there are so many benefits that come with having half siblings and stepsiblings. In some cases, children grow up in a blended family situation and are better for it. While it's often assumed that more negatives than positives dot the blended family experience, don't underestimate how awesome it can be.
The Focus Is on Fun
Kids don't just become family, they also become friends. They may be close in age and share friends, likes, and interests, or be farther apart in age and be able to focus on fun instead of sibling rivalry and competition. That distance from not living in each other's pockets for years can let them not carry some of that competitive sibling baggage around.
There's Less Sibling Competition
Half siblings and stepsiblings tend not to feel as competitive to assert their individuality with each other since there isn't a need to differentiate between themselves. They came into the family as someone uniquely their own and they have an established identity. When this happens, they can feel like they don't have to chafe against their sibling's achievements, actions, mistakes, etc.
They Have New Role Models
Some blended families can develop relationships that benefit everyone. Children may discover that through the marriage, they've gained a new role model. Just like any other family relationship, these relationships are lifelong and a great source of comfort and support over the years.
There Can be Improvements in Behavior
Many blended families see improvement in children's behavior. Contrary to popular belief, moving into a blended family doesn't automatically mean that kids will develop more behavior problems than children whose parents never divorced. How a child responds to changes in the family has more to do with parenting decisions and the individual people in the family than with the transition itself.
There are More People to Love and Be Loved By
A blended family means new family members and grandparents! Once children get new stepsiblings, they also get new grandparents (and possibly aunts, uncles, and other family members) who will love them. And as they say, no kid was ever harmed by being more loved.
Ways You Can Help Siblings Adjust and Bond
There are several things parents can do to help all the siblings in the family adjust to their new family and bond with one another. Understand, however, you can't do everything, and you can't force anything. Some relationships'll grow naturally, while others may take more time. Do what you can to foster love and kindness between the children in your blended family and help them feel comfortable, safe, and connected.
Encourage Open and Honest Conversations
Talk about everything and don't ignore anything. Create an environment where all of your kids feel comfortable coming to you and your spouse about anything that's bothering them. From what they want to call their new stepparent to what they're worried about, these issues are important to your kids, even if they seem silly to you. Be patient and try to guide them as best you can so that they can better work through personal anxieties and stressors that may serve as roadblocks to better bonding.
Ignore Sibling Relationship Titles
Don't force your kids to claim their siblings, but encourage them not to use terms like "step" and "half." The closest, most successful blended families don't differentiate between these relationships. This helps all members to not think of one another differently or as less. If they don't want to call a stepbrother their brother, they can refer to him by name instead.
Ultimately, though, it's their decision how they want to define their new siblings' relations to them. So, make sure you're being accepting of whatever their choices are, whether or not it's the one you want them to use.
Create an Environment of Equality
Treat all of the kids equally. Since your history with your kids will be longer than your history with your spouse's kids, treating kids equally might seem challenging. In fact, you may not even realize you're being more doting or stricter.
However, love is love, house rules are house rules, and everyone needs to be treated equally. Reflect on your own behavior and attitudes often and make sure that you are helping to create an environment of equality and respect by opening the floor for the kids to address your mistakes as they happen.
If you mess up and treat a kid better or worse than the others, immediately apologize and acknowledge what you did. This shows the kids that you're not infallible, and that you're holding yourself to the same standards that you're holding them to.
Ease Into Disciplining New Children
Ease your way into a disciplinarian role. Disciplining stepchildren too soon will cause resentment and interfere with bonding. Let the step-child's parent discipline at first, and then begin to discipline them slowly yourself. Always discuss this process with the child's biological partner first so that the pair of you stay on the same page. Start by verbally correcting inappropriate behavior, for example, long before attempting to remove privileges.
Make One-on-One Time a Priority
Make sure you and your spouse spend time with each kid individually, as well as a group. It's important you build a relationship with your stepchildren, but you don't want to neglect your own in the process. Take stepsiblings out together who have common interests or are close in age. By fostering connections together, you can encourage each child to start building a relationship with the other kids in the family.
Respect Old Traditions and Create New Ones
Make new traditions together, but don't abandon old ones. Introduce the new side of the family to existing traditions and encourage them to introduce you and your kids to theirs. Then, try to build new ones that are unique to your blended family that can bring you closer over the holiday season.
Keep Adult Relationships Positive
Do everything possible to develop a relationship with your stepchildren's other parent. By forming a positive relationship with your stepchildren's mom, for example, your stepchildren won't feel the need to have to pick a "favorite mom." Having a good relationship with your stepchildren's other parent will make the family environment more positive overall.
Siblings Are Family, No Matter What the Terms Are
There are some technical differences between blood-related siblings, stepsiblings, half siblings, and adopted siblings. And just like any family, the relationships between siblings can offer unique challenges. However, there are plenty of positives when families change and new family members are added too. Just remember that no matter what the technical terms are, you're a family, and that's what matters most.
